2005 was undoubtedly the worst year of my life ever, I lost the person
who meant more to me than anything else and this Christmas and New Year
have been particularly hard despite the best efforts of friends to take my
mind of things, I still talk to her every day, some days I swear and curse
at her for leaving me alone, and at other times I go through great bouts
of depression.
Well today I gave myself a damm good talking too, I can’t turn back
the clock, but I can make sure that going forward that I make the most of
what ever time I have left, we were both in agreement that if one of us
should go early then the other should get on and enjoy life, so this is
what I am going to do, with only the occasional glance back to make sure
she approves.
I’ve set myself several key tasks for the year ahead; Move, when we
move to this house it was full of the sound of laughter, dogs barking and
cats ripping furniture to bits, now it’s a sad house and with 4
bedrooms it’s just to big for me on my own, it needs a family in it
to bring back the laughter.
Tell my stepson all about me, how he will take it I have no idea but he
has a right to know.
Tell my 2 best friends about me, they have been an absolute rock for me
during the last 18 months and I hate telling them little lies to cover up
my activities, again I have no idea how they will take it, he’s a
quite senior policeman, and she works in a special needs school, so I’m
hoping they will be quite open minded about it.
To try and come out of my shell a bit (lot) more I am terribly shy and
hopeless at small talk, it takes people ages to get to know me, as with
out realising it I tend to put up a screen if anyone gets too close.
Travel, I used to enjoy walking and hiking, and have a passion for
wildlife and landscape photography neither of which I have done a lot of
in the last few years, and there are so many places in this little island
of ours that I have never visited, I now have no excuse for not getting
out and about.
Push for redundancy at work, there are voluntary redundancy packages
being offered at the end of February, whilst the job I have pays good
money I don’t want to spend the rest of my life leaving home at 7 and
not return till after 9 some nights, plus I’m on a 24/7/365 call out,
there’s more to life than work. Have already applied but have been
told I’m to essential to let go – yeah right!! But I keep
plugging away and maybe they will relent And finally - To Enjoy Life.
Friday 6th January 2006
Well I have made one small step forward in my tasks for the year ahead
in that I told my stepson last night We where sat in the pub having our
normal weekly get together and he made several comments about the length
of my nails and my hairless arms, so rather than tell the little white
lies that I keep for these occasions I decided to tell him the truth, and
he told me he was "cool with it" he really would like to talk to
somebody about it though as he has no idea about anything to do with the
world of trannydom.
I have answered all the questions he threw at me, some I was prepared
for, others I wasn't. He is going to have a look around the internet to
see what he can find out, I have suggested he look on the Roses forum web
site, and have also told him what to avoid. It's my intention to tell my 2
friends tomorrow and if they are OK with it to ask them to talk to my
stepson. This morning I woke up to a lovely text from him, I really am
lucky.
Monday 9th January 2006
Told my 2 best friends on Saturday, and I'm pleased to say neither of
them has a problem with me, had a long chat with 'C' into the night
discussing this and other issues.
Wednesday 5th April 2006
I have started receiving what can only be described as nuisance calls at
work, they would call me up 3 or 4 times a day and call me things which to
be honest weren't nice and then hang up, how they found out about me I've
no idea and don't really care, what was upsetting was the fact that they
were getting away with it as there was no way of tracing the number, what
was obvious was that this person did not know me outside of work and had
threaten to expose me to my boss (although how they were going to do that
and be convincing, there obviously minuscule brain hadn't worked out).
To pre-empt this I made the decision to tell my boss what had been going
on and why. To his eternal credit whilst my news came as a bit of a
surprise to him, he doesn't have a problem with it, he was however, very
angry about the phone calls, I also told the secretary who handles my
calls when I'm not there, just in case she should get one. Both of them
where quite supportive after the initial shock. We then went to the pub
and I answered any questions that they had.
As for the nuisance phone caller, well by speaking over his diatribe I
have manage to inform him that he has nothing left to threaten me with and
that he has in fact done me a favour in that I have now laid down some
ground work should I ever seek to transition. This seems to have taken the
fun out of his little game as the calls have all but dried up. I won't
give up trying to track him down though and have informed my boss that if
I do find out who it is I will report it to the police.
Friday 28th April
What a week… On Wednesday I was called into a meeting room by my
boss, even just looking at him I call tell that it wasn't good news, the
long and short of it is that several people at work had told him that they
had seen me out and about wearing a skirt (shock, horror), it would appear
that my nemesis (see above) is still out to make trouble, my boss being
true to his word about not telling anyone is finding that this is putting
him in an awkward position and he had just put them off, and told them
that they must be mistaken. Well after a bit of discussion I decided that
the best course of action would be to see my departmental director along
with a representative from personnel. It was not possible to see him that
day so it would have to wait until the following day, Thursday.
Needless to say that night I had little if any sleep and was physically
sick before leaving for work, and despite leaving early the traffic was
against me so I didn't get in before every one else as was the plan, I
must have look bad as my boss asked me if I was ready to ahead with it and
I said I did, as I wanted to get it out of the way, he said he would call
me when ready. For the next 1/2 hour I could see my boss in the directors
office (we have glass partitions) along with our personnel rep, I was then
called in and although I knew that they had been talking about me when I
asked how much he knew he said pretend I know nothing and tell me in your
own words, so I told him that I was transgendered and that it was my
intention in the not to distant future to start living as a woman with a
view to having a complete sex change.
Anyway to cut things short he said he would support me in whatever
course of action I decide to take, was I relieved. I then had a long chat
with our personnel rep, she is a young coloured girl and she put it very
nicely when she said that as a coloured female working in a white male
environment she is fully aware of the prejudice that I am going to come up
against and if I ever have the need to just go and see her. It had been
decided that I should tell the department of my decision and to do it in 2
separate meetings starting with the 4 girls who work directly for me.
Having told them one simply said, "we kind of guessed", women
are so much more observant than men. I then had a wait of about an hour to
get all the senior members of our department together, having told them
the senior accountant (female) simply turn to me and said "so what
name would you like me to call you by" I could have given her a great
big hug there and then.
So now the whole department knows and they (publicly) support me on my
transition 100% I know it's early days but it's a wonderful feeling. Today
(Friday) I have had further discussions with personnel and my director I
have given him my reassurance that until I begin my Real Life Test that I
will still turn up for work in male mode, he was a bit concerned
apparently that I was going to turn up for work one day wearing a skirt,
but I have assure him that as much as I would like to its not going to
happen just yet, I have however been given permission to start to grow my
hair
On Tuesday of next week my director has his department managers meeting
and my situation will be announced, they will also be given a brief note
which clearly states that the company will not stand for any form of
prejudice or harassment against me and that they are to report anything
they hear immediately to personnel and disciplinary action will be taken
against anyone found doing so whatever level there are at (what they don't
know is that my phone is know tapped and all calls recorded). It will also
state that if anyone has any questions then they should come and see me
directly.
Next week I have to tell the department managers of all the departments
that I work closely with, which although it'll be nerve wracking won't be
half as bad as yesterday.
It's been one hell of week but with lots of positive outcomes.
Friday 5th May
Well my directors meeting was put back from Tuesday to Wednesday
although I didn't get told till late in the day which I sat around all day
fretting needlessly. It eventually took place at 11 o'clock on Wednesday
morning, he called me over when it had finished and told me that he had
told all his senior managers and told them to tell ALL their staff, I was
under the impression that that the agreement was that they would be told
not to take it any further unless someone found out and asked, O well I
can't take offence because he is such a nice man if a bit scatter-brained
at times.
I then had go around and tell all the directors/senior managers of the
departments that I work with so over the next 2 days I had the same
conversation 11 times and am please to report I didn't get one bad
reaction, 1 man I told it was obvious that it was outside his comfort
zone, but he still shook my hand at the end of the meeting and wished me
luck. One of the female managers called be a bitch but only when she found
out I was a smaller skirt size than her :) I have one meeting left to do
but that's in our offices up in Peterborough. Doing the meetings has been
good for me I've learnt a lot about myself and have hopefully taught a few
people about what it is like to be transgendered, and now that so many
people know the word will start to spread, I've said to everyone I've told
if they have any questions just to come and ask as I've nothing to hide
(any more). Working as I do in a large media company the word will spread
fast (it always does), but eventually something else will come along and
that will take over and I'll just be old news.
Saturday 6th May
The Salon Experience
Today I went and had my first ever female hair cut, what an experience.
Now I'm used to going to the barbers, you know, go in, sit down and read a
6 month old copy of AutoExpress or the Exchange and Mart until its your
turn, get in the chair ask for a No 4 all over, make some small talk, 10
minutes pay the man his money and walk out.
Now having been told it's OK to grow my hair at work I had booked an
appointment at one of the local salons - the local
Toni & Guy
came highly recommended by every one I asked, I had explained all about
being TG and what I wanted done when I made the appointment, and as I
wanted to get this right from the start I chose to have an appointment
with a consultant rather than a stylist a bit pricier but in my view worth
it. Having arrive I was put into gown shown to a chair and given the
drinks menu!
The first part of the appointment was with the colourist who arrived
bearing what looked like wallpaper sample books but where in fact colour
samples this being Essex the 'blondes' book was by far the largest, I
eventually settled on 'Dark Blonde' but I think most people would call it
brown. This took about 15 minutes to apply and I was given some (current)
magazines to read whilst it took hold but to be honest I was too
fascinated by what was going on around me to read them.
After about 3/4 hour I was taken away to have my hair washed and
conditioned and I could see the colour for the first time, I'm pleased
with it as its near to my natural colour before it all went grey.
The consultant stylist then came across and I explained to her about my
TG status and what I was aiming for and she spent about 15 min's
explaining what she thought would be the best course to take and then set
to work, not that there was a lot to cut, at this stage all about getting
the shape right as it grows. As she cut she was explaining what she was
doing and why as well as showing me how to do it for myself which was kind
of her. I am pleased with the end result although it will take a bit of
getting used to.
I eventually walk out 3 hours after I'd first went in having fully
enjoyed the experience. They have recommended that I book the next
appointment for 2 months time as by then it should have grown enough to
have a more feminine cut.
Wednesday 7th June
Thoughts on transition.
The more I think about it, the more I realise it's what I want more than
any thing else, and then I get annoyed with myself for not doing it 30 odd
years ago instead of going off to prove to me and everyone else what a man
I am, yeah right, all those years of denial and kidding myself.
The trouble is I now want it all NOW, I'm normally a very patient person
but I so want this to happen overnight, (when I was 7/8 I used to have a
recurring dream in which god realised he had made a mistake and I would
wake up a girl) I so want that dream to come true now, and yes dear reader
I am feeling extremely frustrated at the moment. The other emotion that
seems to be coursing though me at the moment is one of fear, there are so
many "what ifs?" going on in my mind at the moment it scares me.
I know I'm strong enough do to this, I just not sure I have the strength
if I should get knocked back along the way.
Sunday 23rd July
Medical Matters and a nice night out
Prior to booking an appointment to see Dr Richard Curtis, I have had a
full medical this was arranged through BUPA which I receive from work, and
came through it almost with flying colours, my LDL cholesterol is slightly
high, this is attributed to my love of fried food. The other point that
was pick up on is that my fasting glucose level is just over the recommend
max so that will need to be kept an eye on and I need to cut out all the
sugary things. I also need to do more physical exercise.
Everything else is just tickety boo :-)
On the 19th July I had my initial consultation with
Dr
Richard Curtis, it went well despite me being extremely nervous, and
arriving late because of problems on the tube. He soon put me at ease and
the hour seems to have flown by. He ask me lots of questions some of which
I was expecting and others which I wasn't. He was also more than happy to
answer the questions that I had, although as is the norm for me in these
situations I couldn't think of any at the time, but thought of a 1001 the
minute I walked out the door.
With regards to the level of med's that I was taking he has upped the
level of oestrogen, but is happy with the rest. (In case you're wondering,
yes I was self-prescribing, carefully.) I am currently taking an
anti-androgen, a DHT blocker and oestrogen, plus an aspirin a day.
I feel I am finally making some progress.
Went for a meal with some colleagues who I deal with on a daily basis it
was a chance to both meet them and introduce the new me to them. It was a
very pleasant evening with some good Italian (my favourite) food, a few
bottles of wines good conversation, and some pleasant weather to sit out
in. A picture of the event will be posted if it meets with their approval.
Monday 18th September
Moving, Purging and RLT
Well I've finally moved, yippee! For the most part it went without a
hitch, the only problem being that DFS have failed to deliver my new sofa,
so for the next month I am sitting on the floor :( The place I have moved
to is a lovely village in north Essex close to Braintree (or if we want to
be posh south Suffolk), the locals are all friendly people, and no
problems accepting me.
As part of my move I took the opportunity to purge 95% of my male
clothes, they have all gone to the Red Cross African appeal, so give it a
couple of weeks and there will be some lucky Africans wandering around in
some very nice Italian suits, although I'm not sure how well the bright
red satin lining will go down. All I am left with is some trousers and
polo shirts for work.
Speaking of work I have agreed a provisional date start work in the
female role, this is the Monday 2nd October, and will be the official
start of my RLT, I'm both apprehensive and looking forward to it, whatever
happens it will be a momentous day.
Sunday 8th October
Two good friends, Sue and Carol came over for the day, we had a nice day
walking around the local shopping centre brought some Christmas and
birthday presents. It was then back to the tea shop for some light
refreshment, and on to my house for a critical appraisal of my wardrobe.
It's good getting someone else's view as they see things slightly
differently, and suggested combinations which I wouldn't necessarily have
thought off. All in all it was one of the simplest but most enjoyable days
I've had in a long time. I felt quite sad and lonely when they left.
One of the good things about this day was it served to take my mind of
what was going to happen tomorrow.
Monday 9th October
The first day of the rest of my life.
Today I would turn up for work for the first time as 'Lucy', it was
quite a daunting thing to do. It was also the official start of my 'Real
Life Test'. As I look back on it, it was exciting, nerve wracking, scary,
highly emotional and at the end of it physically and mentally draining,
but I knew that if I didn't take this step I would never be truly happy.
I didn't need to worry about getting up on time, as I didn't sleep to
well the night before, again a combination of nerves and excitement, after
having a shower and breakfast it was time to get ready, I knew what I
would wearing as I had discussed it the day before with Carol and Sue, so
that was easy, makeup had to be done a couple of times as by now the
nerves where starting to set in, and I wanted everything to be perfect. I
remember thinking that either I'm going to have to learn do to makeup a
lot quicker, or get up 1/2 hour earlier.
When it came to actually stepping out of the door I was quite nervous,
but as I drove to work, slowly but surely the nerves drifted away, I was
now living my life as it should be, what did I have to be worried about? I
arrived at work in good time, the first job was to get my security pass
changed, which was done with the minimum of fuss.
Now to present myself to the office, well deep breath, and best foot
forward. Well lots of reassuring words and congratulations from my friends
in the office, as well as a few bemused looks from those that hadn't been
told. From there on the day got down to being pretty routine, a few people
who would normally have just phoned came around to discussed their problem
in person. Friends who work in other departments either phone or came to
see me to wish me luck, also my HR rep came to make sure everything was
OK.
Lots of planning went into today, to make sure everything went as
smoothly as possible, and for the most part it did.
Wednesday 6th December
Today was a low point of my life, and I really did contemplate ending
it. The reason for this massive black spot. A 'friend' of some 25 years
rang me out of the blue to say I would no longer be welcome at their house
(I was with them less than a month ago). When I ask what the problem was,
I was told that I was, or rather my 'weird' ways were, and I'd have to
change before I would be welcome back. I have always been open and honest
with them about my transition, and I believed they were supporting me, how
wrong was I!!! I spent most of the day crying, both inwardly and
outwardly, if any one at work noticed I just said I had a bad cold.
Tuesday 26th December (Boxing Day)
Today my stepson will meet 'Lucy' for the first. I don't know who is the
most nervous him or me, anyway the plan is to go over to him to exchange
Christmas presents, and have some lunch. It will also be my first chance
to meet his new partner, Louise.
Although he didn't say, and he made me very welcome, I could tell he was
struggling with the new me, and to be honest I was very nervous the whole
time I was there, which couldn't have helped. Louise was very nice, and
seem to cope very well, but then she never knew the old me.
Well its a start, it can't be easy for him, and I need to take it at his
pace.
Thursday 28th December
Down to my friends in Portsmouth for the day, again this would be their
first introduction to 'Lucy'. We had agreed on this day as we figured it
would be a quite day and therefore relaxing. Everything went OK, although
their neighbours know about me and knew that I would be visiting that day,
I hadn't planned on meeting any of them on this trip, as it turned out a
couple of them found a convenient excuse to pop round, and although my
friends did offer to put them off, I decided to meet them any way, as I
will have to eventually. As it was it all passed off without incident, and
it was a most enjoyable day.
Monday 8th January
Well today I was hit by an announcement that hit me for six, I am to be
made redundant as from the 4th May. I felt angry, resentful, let down, and
as if I had been kicked in the teeth. After being told last year that I
was too valuable to be let go, I am now being chucked on the scrap heap.
Its not just me, we are all being replace by some 'juniors' at our
regional offices at half the salary. I can apply for what is basically my
job managing this unit, and everyone is telling me I should as I will walk
into it. I'm not sure I will but I have applied for it anyway.
Wednesday 10th January
The Tale of the Mazda and the Fox
Traveling home late last week I come across a Fox standing in the inside
lane of the dual carriageway, I try and do the decent thing and pull
across to the outside lane so that I don't run him over and he can go and
worry some more chickens. Just as I am about to draw level with him, he
decides that, that would be the best moment to continue his mad dash
across the road, hence he becomes wrapped around my front wheel, and my
little Mazda goes for a bounce along the crash barrier ending up facing
the wrong way, luckily nothing else was about. Nice man at garage says it
can be repaired but it'll cost £4,500 (ouch) and he doesn't think the
insurance will cough up. I burst into tears. He tries to console me and
say he'll put in a good word when the assessor turns up. I smile when he
offers me the use of a courtesy car until the decision is made on mine
even though I'm not entitled to one. I think he's happy that I'm happy.
Anyway assessor visited 2 days later and gave the OK for the work to be
done. I should get my little Mazda back at the end of this week free from
dents and scratches
Thursday 18th January
I had my interview for the managers job today, (in 34 years of
continuous employment it is only the 2nd job interview I ever done), it
seemed to go well, the trouble is I'm now 90% sure that I don't actually
want the job and am in two minds as to what to do if it is offered to me.
Tuesday 23rd January
I heard today that I haven't got the managers job, which has taken the
decision out of my hands, and in a whole lot of different ways I'm glad
that I didn't get it.
I have now formulated my plans for the summer, that is unless a job
opportunity comes along that is to good to turn down. I will take the
summer off and use it to firstly get fit, and lose some weight, and also
to enjoy my two passion's of walking and landscape photography. Then in
late July/August go out to Thailand for my surgery. I intend to have GRS
(Gender Reassignment Surgery), and BA (Breast Augmentation). Once I am fit
and well again I will start to look for a job, this time I want something
local as I'm done with spending 4 hours a day commuting
Tuesday 6th March
I have embarked on a little project with
my local BBC radio station. The idea is to do a series of interviews which
will then be edited down into five 10 minute chunks and broadcast over the
course of a week, the aim is to tell of my struggle fighting Gender
Dysphoria over the years, finally realising I don't have to fight it
anymore and the transition into the new me. This will be followed by a
live 1/2 hour question and answer session with anyone that wants to call
and ask a question. It will be broadcast later this year when another
momentous event happens in my life.
The aim is not to bang the drum for TS folk, but to hopefully gently
educate the public and show that we are not perverts and weirdo's but
genuine honest people with a recognised medical condition who are just
trying to sort our lives out.
Wednesday 14th March
I received my date for my GRS surgery today, its Tuesday 7th August,
I've drop the option for BA. Needless to say I'm on a high, and am so
happy I could cry, and did.
Saturday 24th March
Went and saw my aunt today (she's 86),
before when I have gone and seen her its been fairly androgynously, but
this time I told her and her carer all about Lucy and my plans and she
accepted it with out any qualms, in fact the conversation ended like this
Aunt: "So you want to be a woman then?"
Me: "Yes"
Aunt with big smile on her face: "Well welcome to the club"
So I guess you could say it went well :-)
Friday 4th May
Well today was my last day News International, after just over 21 years.
In some ways it was quite an emotional and sad day, it was the finality of
it that most got to me, when I walk through those gates tonight at 5
o'clock that's it, I'm unemployed (although I hope not unemployable) There
was a good send off in the pub, most of the people I wanted to be there
manage to make it, although a few couldn't due to the lateness of making
the arrangements. I did manage to get around the various departments and
say my goodbyes.
Tuesday 22nd May
Have done my interview with the BBC
today, 2 hours worth, I didn't realise just how emotionally draining it
all is, just answering question about myself and my life. They were very
professional and when they could see it was getting too much would stop
for a break, and then start again on a different subject. (and they've
promised to edit out the tears)
Sunday 17th June
Falklands Veterans Parade, Central London.
Despite filling in the forms and sending them off in good time for some
strange reason I did not get allocated a place in the marching contingent
Never the less I went up any way. I caught up with the RE mob before they
formed up to march off, meet a couple mates I served with, most of whom I
haven't seen in twenty years, they seem surprised at how much I've change.
To a
man they all told how brave I was (how many times have I heard that) but
this didn't seem like a good time to explain what it's like to live with
GID. They did offer to try and get me on the march, but security was so
tight I didn't want risk it. anyway we exchange a few email addresses and
mobile numbers before they were ordered to form up.
Watch them all march off, which was the first of many times that day that
I lost it emotionally. walk round to St James Park and watch a bit of the
parade through the trees before deciding to walk up the The Mall.
Halfway up The Mall I meet George (or rather he spotted me). Like me
George was also wearing his medals with pride, George is ex 45 Commando,
and had his own personal reasons for not wanting to march but still
wanting to be there, (he'd had had a complete breakdown not long after
returning from the FI and well long story short the marines decided it
would be best all round if they discharged him.) we became as only forces
folk can, instant best friends, it was good to have someone to lean on
when the emotions started to get to much, and I was there for him as much
as he was for me. We have both promised to stay in touch and if they have
a 50 year celebration and we are still in alive we will both march side by
side.
A few thank-you's To the kind lady who gave me and George her entire supply of tissues. The policeman who let me hop over the barrier to use the portaloo. To all the people who took time to stop and talk and say thank you. But mostly to George I don't think I'll have got through the day without
you.
Saturday 30th June
Pride London
Had a great day out at Pride this was my first although it won't be my
last
It rained on and off for most of the day but that didn't dampen spirits,
and both walkers and crowd enjoyed themselves. I was walking with
Spectrum Haringey in
amongst all the other Trans groups, and some how ended up carrying their
banner all the way round after offering to do a 20 minute stint.
Saturday 4th August
I fly to Thailand for SRS and AM.
Click on the link to the left for a full account of my time in Thailand.
December 2008
It is now over a year since I last updated my jounal, a year with various highs and lows, I am currently working on an update, just don't ask me when
To a
man they all told how brave I was (how many times have I heard that) but
this didn't seem like a good time to explain what it's like to live with
GID. They did offer to try and get me on the march, but security was so
tight I didn't want risk it. anyway we exchange a few email addresses and
mobile numbers before they were ordered to form up. 
